feelings on the run..

why am i proved right
 though  i made desperate attempts to feel light but still the same feelings are bothering me..feeling of inability,feeling of betrayal though the power string was in my hands but i was the one falling weak by his side. want to talk,ask him  questions ..pray for him...knowing fully well it was my ignorance towards the other side of him,behind the lovely words, the tight hug, the kiss on the fore head,  my eyes were unable to decipher where his eyes went by. A tight slap, a hard hit fell on my back. Feeling the heat i went and sat on the ledge as tears rolled down, didnot want to stop them. I wish i had remained ignorant and had not analysed it so intricately. My love and care fell short.Its been one year we  have distanced, still i think about him at times, when he passes infront of me with a new girl by his side.. i still feel so very blank, so very helpless. Thinking at the very next moment that it was me who took the decision. Female empowerment as one might say.. but on the other i became powerless whenever i saw him... i want to move on, be loved,give love and love life completely...paint it red yellow pink....but i cannot find the right brush to give it vibrancy...